So I figure the point of a journal is to write down stuff you are thinking about so maybe you can work it out better in your head.  Get your feelings on paper.  That being said a thousand people a day read my journal, so writing about personal shit and thinking you care about it is pretty egotistical.  So read the next paragraph so you can know why I didn’t take photos last night, then move on to the next post.  Thanks.

So last night I was going to go to Rated X and take pictures.  Michael T asked me to, and Jess put me on the list.  I wanted to go because it was the last Rated X for a month and because it was peoples birthdays and such.  Anyway I was pretty much on my way out the door when I found out that my ex-girlfriend was going to go.  This sort of freaked me out.  I decided I would take an hour nap and just show up in time for the hot body contest and take a few pictures and go home with minimal emotional scaring.  Once I fell asleep, I could not get up again.  So there that is.

Now the thing is, there is no reason I should be afraid of my ex.  We parted on good terms and I am sure if I needed something from her I could call her and she would help me out.  That being said I don’t want to see her, because when I see her I can’t hug her and hold her hand and stuff and that does not make sense to me.  This girl was the closest thing to me for six weeks.  (While that is not very long, it was the first time I have had a girlfriend in a very long time and she grew on me quickly.)  But now we don’t talk.  I haven’t seen her in two weeks.  This person who was so close to me, is now nothing in my life.  Relationships are so weird to me.  The friendships I have had with people I am no longer friends with end because someone moves, or we just stop hanging out slowly and see less and less of each other.  With girls I see semi-regularly we just talk less and hook up less and eventually I get a new phone and I don’t put her number in it.  In any other relationship you just don’t stop suddenly.  My girlfriend and I didn’t work out, that’s fine, but it doesn’t make sense to just stop everything all together.  It just seems unnatural.  Why do we shut out the people we once cared about the most.

Anyway, I was mostly okay with it anyway.  When we first broke up I didn’t mind too much.  I mostly was upset I was going to have to stop having unprotected sex and an air conditioned place to stay, but as time goes on I seem to miss her more and more.  I haven’t seen her in two weeks, she should be out of sight, out of mind.  I keep having dreams about her and I don’t know why.  I don’t think I want to get back together with her, I don’t even know what I would want.  I sort of had a point when I started writing this, and I realized I don’t any more. I just don’t know why I miss her more now, instead of less.  And I don’t know why human relationships work the way they do.  I don’t get jealous when my friends hang out with other friends.  I don’t write friends out of my life just because it is easier to deal with that emotionally.  I just wish sexual relationships worked more like friendships.  People are weird.  That’s all.

Also, if you really look at people really hard we sort of look just like any other animal… a boring looking animal.  It seems weird that I am into people and not some cool looking animal like hippos.   Sorry.  Go look at pictures of your self from some party now.

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