Today we have two new signs that the world is ending.

Firstly, my greatest hero died recently. Honestly I did not even know him by name, but I do appreciate his controbution to the Earth daily. His name is Al Copeland and he founded my favorite restaurant Popeye’s Famous Chicken And Biscuits, which was evidently named after Popeye Doyle from the French Connection. This is a fact that I did not know, but am very glad to know. Speaking of the French Connection once I met someone who swore to me that he was Gene Hackman’s son, but he had never heard of the French Connection. He just kept talking to me about how he was once in a movie with Will Smith.

Secondly, giant Star Fish may or may not be taking over the world. I can’t imagine they would grow this large with out some plans of world domination. They cannot possibly have good intentions. As a man of science, I find it horrifying that we do not know about everything living in the sea. There could be Nazi’s or Communists or even bigger sea creatures living deep in the ocean training, getting ready to make us their slaves and we would never know. I have gone ahead and created a petition asking world leaders to drain the Earth so we know exactly what is down there so we can tag and number them and keep these monsters in line. Also, in a slightly unrelated note I take some issue to the creative language used in this article. Why the hell would an Associated Press article describe the giant star fish as “the size of big food platters”? What? What does that even mean. How do you define the size of a food platter… or a big food platter? And why would you associate mostly inedible mutant sea creatures with food? Bastards.

Don’t forget to sign the petition! These monsters must be stopped!

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