Kristy Tallman – Psychological Thriller/Horror Author
Meet Kristy Tallman: Poet, Songwriter, Horror Author. She is a real Renaissance woman. She just added me to myspace. I didn’t recognize her so I decided to check her page out. 10 seconds later I had IMed 3 of my friends her myspace link. I got into two 30 minute conversations with people about how hilarious this woman is before I realized I needed to blog about her. I hate to just rag on a total stranger. At some point in my life it might have been much easier, like when I made a website making fun of progeria. I just didn’t think I had that in me anymore but I found a real gem here. This woman is amazing. This article is probably going to be about 10,000 words long and I still won’t even have scratched the surface of how funny her web presence is. Because of this I am going to take a little page break after this photo. So please stay with me, because this is going to be fun. And Kristy, I know you just Googled your name and found this… let me just say I am sorry, but you are too precious not to share with the world. I hope you sell some books because of it.
Okay, Jesus Christ, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I am just going to do this in bullet points, and hope the structure works for us.
- Her myspace name is “Kristy Tallman – Horror Author”. I think more people need to post their dubious occupations in their myspace name. This is a trend that should catch on.
- Her site opens with a quote “In truth I am but a wordsmith surrendering my words to you….Kristy Tallman”. Now what I think she meant to say was “In truth I am but a wordsmith surrendering my words to you….” – Kristy Tallman. So right off the bat we can get a good sense of her attention to detail. Let’s just hope she has a good editor. On top of that… she quoted herself in order to demonstrate how she is a martyr to the written word. Good start.
- She has evidently trademarked a phrase… although I would like to see the documentation on that. “Disturbing the mind, one book at a time . . .”â„¢ No comment.
- After seeing her joke of a myspace page with South Park Cartoons and all sorts of bullshit all over it, I saw that she had a link to her “professional website“. For some dumb reason was expecting to see some sort of reasonably well designed more corporate looking website that sold her books and the like. When I clicked through I almost started crying with laughter. Let’s just ignore the animated gif background. We don’t even need to go there. Let’s just look at her splash page. Where does one get such illustration skill? The things people can do in MS Paint blow my mind.
AHAhAHAhAhAHA!! Justifiable Homicide! Your Hell Or Mine!! Help Me! AHSAHSahshjkasdfdsagljkfasdkljasdfm
- She has a South Park tattoo. Seriously?
- One of her strongest resume points is that she was the associate editor of the “Hopewell News”. I have intimate knowledge of this reputable journal as The Gaskets are from Hopewell, VA and when they were in high school they released a weird jokey synthy demo CDR to about 20 of their friends. The Hopewell News covered their release party on the front page. This release party took place during lunch period at their high school. They called the Gaskets (dance pop) a mix between Green Day (“punk”) and Cracker (alt-country/rock). How does that even happen?
- “Not only has she authored two published books of poetry under the pen name Rainey Moon, but she also has written professionally as a staff reporter for local newspapers.” Honestly, I will leave that up to you to make fun of quietly to yourself. A dissection of her extremely marginal poetry is not needed. You just need to know that her pen name is “Rainey Moon”. That is at the same time the worst pen name and best stripper name I have ever heard.
- Her next book signing is at a sports bar. I am not joking. She is doing a book signing at a sports bar. She is opening for a 1920’s era blues band fronted by a bald white man with a handle bar mustache and soul patch. Blues Hammer anyone?
- Over and over again on the site she points out that she does not have time to deal with the many, many myspace messages she gets, but in her FAQ she says she will read and review your book for you if you want. What? “The reason I don’t answer all emails is because I truly am very busy – emails come in by the dozens and I honestly don’t have that much time on my hands.” And then… “Send me a synopsis of the book and when you need your review by. I will do my best to review it in a timely fashion but again I am writing my own books so you have to bear with me.” Who the fuck doesn’t have time to answer emails but does have time to review her fans books?
- Also in her FAQ… The first three points are all about not messaging her for sex. That must get annoying right? Oh man… I gotta stop…
I could go on forever with this, but I will leave it up to you to explore the site and enjoy everything. I didn’t touch on her music, and not even I am heartless enough to go after her long sob stories she posted on the page, but I will leave you with one last thing. And it is my favorite:
- She starts talking about how she has to laugh at her self sometimes and she says “But that’s where you will see some of Tyler Perry’s stuff come into play – now there’s your post modern day Jesus as my bff would say – there is so much wisdom that passes over that Madea’s lips that honestly – sit and listen to it because it will be worth hearing.” Okay. She just compared Tyler Perry to Jesus. If you aren’t aware of who Tyler Perry and Madea are, let me give you some background. Tyler Perry is this writer/director who writes these very serious movies that deal with the black experience and relationships and blah blah blah. Yet for some reason in all the movies he puts on a fat suit and dresses like a sassy black woman who serves as unreasonable comic relief and dispenses very sassy wisdom. I am not sure which is more ridiculous: a man dressing in drag and a fat suit in order to tell African Americans what they already know to be true, or white psychological thriller/horror author/poet/songwriter to be comparing him to Jesus. Astounding.
Kristy Tallman… Will you marry me?
This photo is copyrighted by Lauren Ferrel, my new favorite photographer and inspiration. If you need an assistant Lauren… I’m your man…
life is an abortion!
I’m not sure why you felt the desire to bash me on your page here – I do not trademark the “Disturbing the mind one book at a time” my publisher Realm of Insanity Press does – I would love for you to check out my new website that has been just recently built and may be more in line to the protocol of what you seem to expect authors to abide by. I suppose we aren’t suppose to have a sense of humor in your eyes as well. Yes I love South Park – why? – maybe you forgot to read why or maybe you just thought that was a joke as well. My SP tattoo – first let me tell you go to hell because you lose a father, a daughter and have a heart attack/double bypass surgery all within a year’s time and see if you don’t Tweek out a bit – it’s inspiration to me because yes I did tweek out – I began to suffer panic attacks which are very debilitating but to you obviously just something else to make fun of someone for. As for Rainey Moon – it never was a name it was a feeling but I’m sure you’ll find something to turn that into a stripper comment as well. Will you marry me – yeah I married him and I would do it again and again. And at the time I had the Q&A section up I really did get all those ridiculous questions coming from people so I decided to turn it into a David Letterman style approach…again HUMOR the thing you don’t think authors have or shouldn’t portray I’m not sure which. It’s a myspace page for goodness sake but you can always venture over to my more professional site: http://www.myspace.com/kristy_tallman and have at it for your wicked pleasures. It amazes me though you’ve never mentioned on here reading my books so I guess that leaves fair game and a challenge for you – read my work that’s published before you bash me as a writer and then show me some of yours beyond bashing people that would be cool. My accomplishments well let’s see do you really want to see the long list of things in life I’ve accomplished???
Beyond the Hopewell News Associate Editor position/Reporter who won APA awards I was also a reporter for the small town paper The Progress Index. I was also an Editor of an online E-zine “The Underground” for two or three years. I was in the top 10 in my field for Equine Phototgraphy and was published several times in The Arabian Horse World Magazine & others. I was trained in the field by the top photographer in the field Jerry Sparagowski. I’ve won two placements with my retarded songwriting through the VH1 Save the Music Foundation two years running…imagine that from such a dumbass as myself. But you know what it doesn’t matter now does it? I’m living the dream and living it large in spite of people like you who like to bash someone like me for no apparent reason other than they are driven by boredom!!! What a life that must be.
And yeah I must make one final statement in defense of Tom Larsen who is a great musician though you don’t like the blues for some reason and want to bash that too. We had a hell of time and I suppose you’re just jealous you couldn’t be there to enjoy the time we had. You see its about artist supporting artists and turning this mundane world you’ve helped create into something worth enjoying as we spin on it’s axis one time around. And of course I googled my name looking for something much more worthy of reading than your bitch session against me that came from no where but you have at it and remember it’s not me you have to answer to in the end.
Take care and I wish you all the best in your endeavors to make fun of people you don’t even know. And as Madea would say (just to piss you off) – “Let folks go!” – check it out and how much the rest of the world admires the messages Tyler Perry sends out to the world!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oqDU6CPwy6Q
I was very sad to see you change your “professional website” it was much funnier before.
You have been through some fucked up stuff and I intentionally didn’t mention any of that stuff in the blog because I felt that was a bit too mean.
“Tweak” is a reference to Crystal Meth, not a panic attack.
I am sort of interested in seeing your horse photos.
I am sorry you had to read this, but come on, its pretty funny.
PS. I like the blues, just not bar band blues rock.
You think that’s bad? Check this thread about her on odark.com out. She fipped out because people were making fun of her self-published authors club on myspace and she started calling half the board bitches and threatened a lawsuit if the thread wasn’t deleted.
http://dan0oo.com/mboard/index.php?&topic=13271.0
I saw that show up in my incoming links… pretty funny stuff.
I would love to know how many books these ‘little authors’ have actually sold. How much money do they really make? I guess not a lot.