My friend January Seraph died a few days ago. I am not sure that there has been an official cause of death announced but based on what I have heard and what I know about January it sounds like it was suicide. January was a wonderful fucking human who dealt with severe depression and other mental problems. It’s something we have in common and is really how we first formed a bond.

January and I had been friends online for a long time but in 2014 I had Tweeted about depression and out of nowhere I got an email from her reaching out to tell me she was there for me. She told me about her depression and that I was too talented to be sad for too long. It was the sweetest email from someone who was nearly a stranger. It meant a lot to me.

A few months later I was in LA and was having a particularly bad day. I had some shoots canceled and I was in a terrible mood and once again I sent out a Tweet. This time it was about needing a model since people had flaked. January reached out. She lived in San Francisco but she was in LA. Less than an hour later she was in my hotel room and we were shooting.

January and I became instant friends after that. It seems crazy to me that I only knew her in real life for a few years. We bonded over depression, mutual friends and crazy stories of lives well lived. January was an internationally renowned dominatrix and when she would be in NYC working I would always hang out with her after she got off work and last summer when I did a west coast road trip I stayed with her in San Francisco twice once on the way up and once on the way down.

January was so generous and amazing. She offered to fly me to San Francisco once to visit because she was about to try some new experimental treatment for her depression and she wanted to hang out with me before it started. She told me that she had no problem spending money on her friends because she made enough money when she was working and wanted to spend it because she never knew how much time she would have left.

And that’s just the thing. Severe depression is like any other illness. If you can’t treat it, it’s terminal. It’s not a matter of if it’s going to kill you, it’s a matter of when. I have had so many friends take their own life and I have learned that there’s not much you can do. You can postpone it and try and get them help, but sometimes it’s just inevitable and that’s the saddest fucking thing. January tried every possible treatment she could find including some pretty extreme stuff, but it was just never enough and I don’t think there’s anything anyone could have done.

I think the main thing we can all do is talk about mental illness more. We need to treat it like any other illness or disability. If we can remove the shame from it maybe then people will feel more comfortable reaching out and asking for help.

So let me share a little bit of my story and maybe start a conversation that you guys can continue. I have had terrible depression my entire life. I have never been suicidal but I have never been happy for more than brief moments. It’s just this constant weight on me and when it gets bad I don’t get out of bed or leave the house. I can’t be productive, I gain weight and I piss off my friends. On top of that I grew up with dysgraphia, ADHD and a severe form of obsessive compulsive disorder now known as Tourettic COD.  Because of this I was a weird fucking kid who struggled in school and got picked on constantly until I was 16 or 17. That shit does not help with depression I promise.

As an adult I still have issues with depression and ADD but computers help a lot with the dysgraphia and with a lot of behavioral therapy I am very incontrol of my OCD. I still feel it every day, especially right now as I think about it but it’s very manageable. I feel very lucky not to have suicidal thoughts or many of the personality disorders, anxiety or mania that a lot of my friends have but it’s not been an easy life despite the massive amount of privilege I’ve had as an upper middle class straight white male.

So there you go, now you know a little bit about my mental illness and now maybe you can relate and maybe you can tell someone else about your problems. Bring this shit out of the closet and if you are feeling bad tell someone. There’s always someone who will be there for you even if you don’t think there is.

I don’t even know what else to say but I fucking miss you January and I don’t wanna see any more of my friends take their own life. I can’t fucking deal with it anymore.

Anyway, I wanna share with you the first and only photo shoot January and I ever did. When she died I was looking for a photo to post and I realized I had never put these photos up. I felt like I had to get them up right away in her honor. I know she really liked the photos she saw.

Now here’s the point where I would normally tell you that are some extra photos on my app but I obviously am not going to plug my bullshit in a post like this so instead of signing up for my app, take a moment to donate some money to American Foundation For Suicide Prevention or another mental health charity. Or if nothing else, just hug someone you care about. You never know when it’s gonna be the last time.

Click here to see the first and last photo shoot I ever did with my amazing friend January Seraph. Rest in peace. 

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