EXXXotica day two was pretty intense for me. I was on just a few hours of sleep and I had to shoot a party for Inked Magazine around noon before I even drove my ass to New Jersey. I got there and just felt miserable until about 8PM when I was ready to leave. On my way out I convinced an unnamed Burning Angel to shoot nudes in my car. I used to drive a two door GTI before I moved to NYC, but I can’t afford it so it normally lives at my parents house. But I had it for the weekend and I had this idea to set the back up like a photo booth and shoot people. It didn’t really go over as well as I would have liked, but I did shoot a few people and those pictures will be up in a day or two. (That’s why I am keeping the Burning Angel’s identity a secret for now…)

Anyway, so by the time we finish shooting it is 845 and I am ready to leave. But when I got back 2 Live Crew was playing and I was a HUGE fan of them in like 1990. I know it is weird for a ten year old to love 2 Live Crew, but I did. After they played I tried to say my good byes. After an hour of saying bye I ran into two of the dudes from Cleric who do the music for Strip for Pain. They convinced me to stay and hang out after and we spent the remainder of the show making fun of the go-go dancers.

After the show I went back to the hotel where everyone was staying. And I have no photos of any of this (I do have some video though) so you are just going to have to believe me when I tell you what happened. All the Strip for Pain guys were staying in a room together and they were completely fucking wasted. There was all sorts of drama going on because 2 Live Crew caught someone getting a blow job in a van, then they got caught fucking in a hotel room and people were pissed and um, let’s just move on. We went up to the room and my friend Doug is out of his mind. This guy just has a knack for getting kicked out of hotels. He started causing a ruckus and by the time he was done the room was absolutely trashed. I have most of that on video that I will get up one of these days. After completely fucking up the room this guy Timmy started yelling at Doug to sober up. He slapped the full beer out of Doug’s hand and stomped it sending an explosion of beer everywhere. Doug then defended himself knocking Timmy’s beer to the ground and stomping on it. By the time this was over I was soaking wet and we were out of beer.

There was an after party down stairs and we decided to try to go to it. The guys just tried to walk in which pissed off the security to no end. 2 Live Crew tried to pull us in but they wouldn’t let Doug in cause he was being belligerent. At some point while I was outside talking to the Cleric guys Doug tried to sneak in. I didn’t see this, but someone gave him a entry bracelet but he was so drunk he didn’t know what it was and when security realized what was happening he flung himself into some standing plants knocking them all over the ground. Nick from Cleric saw Doug crash into a pillar in the lobby so I ran inside to check on him. He was on his knees in front of the elevator.

We all got on and Doug laid on the ground dry heaving. We were trying to deal with him and we forgot to press the button for the 5th floor. On the 6th floor the door opened. It was a hotel security guard and what turned out to be the head of Human Recourses for the hotel. When she saw the scene she freaked out and told us we had to get him up immediately. Doug for whatever reason did not like this. Somewhere in the drunkenness of his mind he grabbed for her leg like an octopus and tried to pull her by the ankle into the elevator. I sprung into action and using all my strength I managed to pry him off her leg. I thought we were completely fucked but I managed to pick him up and hold him still. Everyone else kept their composure and we told her we would put him to bed. The HR woman got off on the 12th floor and we headed back down with the security guard as our escort. Nearly every floor between 12 and 5 someone got on. Every time the door would open Doug would scream, “IN OR OUT!?!” for some insane reason. I just held him tight. By the time we reached the 5th floor there were about 10 guys in the elevator and porn star Gina Lynn who was inching as far away from Doug as humanly possible. The security guard walked us to the room which was completely trashed and the only reason you couldn’t smell the beer all over the walls was because of all the pot smoke. Luckily the security guard was cool and just told us to keep Doug in the room. That was not a problem as he passed out immediately. This was probably not the best thing to happen to him because as soon as he passed out the permanent markers came out and five minutes later his ear was solid black, he had penises on his face and his shoes had been lit on fire. I actually have a picture of the results. I twittered about it!

After that fiasco I ended up going to the after party with the Burning Angel crew and I spent the next hour telling pretty much everyone about Doug’s adventure in the elevator, nearly laughing to tears every time I told it. The party was pretty surreal as it was a lot of porn stars getting drunk and dancing to a really weird NJ cover band. On one side of the room was Ron Jeremy and on the other was 2 Live Crew. It was pretty surreal. I even got to tell Jenna Haze the Doug story, which was cool because she is one of the only porn stars I knew of before I started hanging out with porn people. I really don’t watch that much porn and I have no idea who anyone is ever unless they have a bunch of tattoos or something.

I ended up getting home around 6 am and decided day three was out of the question. Besides I had to get up and watch the Dolphins lose again and have their quarterback get injured for the rest of the season. Fucking awesome.

Yeah that’s all I got for you today, click here to see all the pictures from Saturday at the EXXXtoica NY convention.

Oh, I almost forgot, the Long Island Lolita herself was there. I can now officially say I have met Amy Fisher. I think my life is complete. And by complete I of course mean, completely out of hand. Fuck. See you guys later.

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