Update: I want to apologize for my misjudgment in posting this while I was on sleeping pills.  I probably should not have put this up or ever mentioned anything about it… but since I have gotten so much shit for it already, I might as well leave it up.  I still contend that this article is very funny.

I have a big penis. There. I said it. Maybe it is because I just took a bunch of sleeping pills or maybe it is because I got another painful blow job tonight. All because of this big penis. The girl who is over here next to me apologized for the teeth so I showed her this old article I wrote for a site called stileproject.com (NSFW). Stile Project was an old e/n website. If you don’t know what e/n stands for don’t worry, I am too fucked up on sleeping pills to tell you. Currently it is just a porn site. He hired me to write a bunch of articles. A few of them are funny, a few of them are embarrassing. I might share some others with you, but for now just this one. Don’t make fun of me too much; I wrote it 6 years ago. I actually got paid to write for a while, and not everyone can say that, despite the low quality of this shit. PS. It was not copy edited.

How does one go about bitching about how big their penis is? That’s like bitching about how they get too much sex. Right? Wrong. Having a big penis sucks. But Igor, you ask, ‘How could this be? I’ve been 4 inches all my life and all I have wished for was a big penis.’ No you don’t, you want an average penis. You are dwarf like, that would suck a lot, but big is not the way to go. You see, 5 or 6 inches is perfect. No one will laugh at you and no one will cry when you try to have sex with them. Its the best. I just want you to understand my point before I go in to it. If I had a penis around 3 inches, I would be crushed. It would be much worse than being big. HOWEVER, having a big penis is not the great thing it should be….

– Their are many reasons why having a big penis is not so great, but the most important one is expectation. You have any idea how much pressure is on you the second your pants come down? It’s unfuckingbearable. Personally, as the uncaring bastard that I am, I just want to get off and get out, but she expects a fucking orgasm. I am not skilled, I just have a big penis. Fuck you and your expectations. Arg…

– Secondly, their is no advantage to having a big penis. None. The girl might like it, but how the fuck does that help me? It doesn’t. If you brag about it, you are an asshole, so that is out of the question. The only thing I can think of is that if you are flexible enough, you could suck your own dick, but personally, I can only get tip.

– Next is the problem with condoms. I fucking hate condoms, but I use them every time. The large dicked man has issues buying condoms. First of all, I have searched condom sites all over the internet, and realized that their are only two condoms for the large gentleman. They are both made by Trojan. They are Magnum and Large. Large is actually bigger than Magnum, despite what you may have heard. Large comes in two types, spermacide and no spermacide. Magnum doesn’t give you that option. So, their are 3 to choose from. No flavored condoms, no bright pink ones, no ribbed for her pleasure. Nothing fun. This enrages me. To have any fun I have to use small ass ones and then hold them on. Holding on a condom is no fun at all cause you get blood all over your hand. Wait, that last part was a joke.

– Oral Sex. This is up there with the worst things about having a big penis. For some reason bitches can’t open their mouths wide enough to take me in. I fucking hate it so much. Oral sex seems like the best idea, but it always fucking hurts, and unless the girl has mad skill, she can’t get half way down me. Its like my tip is getting cut up, and my shaft isn’t getting touched. This is probably why I almost never cum from oral sex. I want a 5 inch wang so she can get my nuts in there too.

– It takes a lot of blood to fill a 20 inch penis. Not that I am any where close to that, but I would imagine that it would. Someone could pass out from that. It does however, take me along time to get it up, and a longer time to get it down. It just sits there full of blood, when I want it back in place. This can be a quite embarrassing situation, although it proved a lot of fun when I was 14. I’d just sit in Spanish class with a quite swollen member, hoping the hot girl sitting across from me would notice.

– Girls fear it. When was the last time a girl was looking for a long meaningful relationship because of a big dick. Girls don’t care. I have only once gotten laid for my penis and it was terrible sex. Getting girls because of your penis just doesn’t work, especially if you are looking for something more than a quick lay. Some girls actually fear it and won’t fuck me because of it. I have made girls bleed, and made girls cry. Girls cant take it after about 30 min and wont let me cum cause they are too soar. These are bad things and frankly, I’m angry.

So next time you get out of the shower, and look in your mirror, think to your self, its not that small, I can live with it. Smile and say, at least you’re not Igor, he hasn’t gotten laid in months and he fears sex. I am such a waste of a big penis. I hope you feel my pain, cause if not, your mom will. Kthx.

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