Oh fuck. I am very, very glad I only drink twice a year… I am just no good at it.

As you may or may not know, I only drink on my birthday and New Years Eve. It is a tradition I have maintained for nearly a decade. Whenever I get drunk insane things happen, so it’s really a risk I can only take twice a year.  So far nothing I have done has been life changingly horrible, so that’s a pretty good streak.

I did my 30th birthday party at Trash down stairs in the Studio at Webster Hall.  I wanted to plan something bigger but I ran out of time and I have done my birthday at Trash the last three years so I figured why not.  It was also a birthday for several other people: Trash door guy Brendon James, half naked babe Tara Foxx and friend and occasionaly party host Holly Wood. It turned out to be a pretty epic party with Anna Evans, Arden Leigh and another burlesque dancer I was too drunk to ID taking turns getting naked on stage.  I had a bottle and I got a lot of my friends drunk and all the normal things that go into a party like this…

I hadn’t really slept the night before and so I decided to take a nap before my party.  That might not have been the best idea because next thing I knew it was 1130pm.  I wanted to pregame before I got to Webster so I drank two shots of vodka as I put on my pants.  I ran over to my neighbors house because he got hit by a car and I had to Ice him as a get well present.  Then he offered me a shot of Whiskey and then I went back home and did one more shot before I left the house.  I had four shots in twenty minutes and by the time I got in the cab I was pretty fucking drunk.  About nine vodkas later I was laying down on the stage while the burlesque stuff was going on.  I could barely stand.  I was making out with everyone around me and was falling all over this cute 19 year old girl with the longest tongue I had ever seen.

At some point someone offered me coke with the idea that it would give me some sort of new abilities of ballane and that I would once again be able to stand on my own feet.  I am not a drug user and if I was cocaine would not be my drug of choice.  Unfortunately I was so drunk that it seemed like a good idea.  My friend tried to get me to snort it off of a key but I couldn’t figure out how to get it in my nose.  She got fed up and just handed me the bag of drugs and told me to do it myself.  I at once ripped open the bag and dumped it into my mouth, licked the whole thing clean and then spit it out on the ground.  She was horrified.  “What did you just do!?” My tongue went completely numb and I continued on with my evening.

My night ended with me at home around 6 am with a girl who was not my wife in my bead trying to explain to me how to get out of my laundry basket.  I had fallen in, naked, on my back, and my legs were sticking up at the end of my bed.  I was helpless to move like a turtle on it’s back, but instead of a shell I had a months worth of dirty laundry.  The girl told me to “use my forces” but if I tried to push down on the laundry basket to lift myself off, the other side would just topple over me.  God knows how I ever freed myself.  Much of this was a blur, but when I woke up my camera bag was filled with gummi candy and my last tweet was something about how I knew I was still drunk because I had just cooked myself a pretzel sandwich.  I am sure it was delicious.

When I woke up the next morning I actually felt pretty good.  I wasn’t hung over and I didn’t puke so I and assuming I don’t have to pass a drug test any time soon and no one gets pregnant I guess we can call the whole thing a sucesss. I don’t remember all of it, so if I did something horrible to you, “my bad”.  I hope you will forgive me, and maybe not come to my next birthday… I am bad news when I am doing shots all night.

Anyway, the most impressive thing of the whole night was that I actually took pretty good pictures from the night.  Yeah, I missed some shots, and I probably didn’t have the best shot laying face down on the stage, but over all pretty good shots.

You should click here to see all the pictures from my birthday. Very NSFW.  Party forever.

Ps. I was just reminded that I crossed my name off my birthday cake because I was offended that it was celebrating everyone’s birthday and not just mine. I also put the candles out with my fingers instead of blowing them out. Needless to say I was in rare form. It is a miracle I didn’t try to fight anything.

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